Friday, December 21, 2012

12/21/2012 - Missing Cletus

12/21/12 - How do people do this?  How does one go from being with a loved one 24 hours a day, caring for another life, having that other heart beating in rhythm with yours, to nothing at all?

Part of the reason why I left my job was to care for Cletus full time.  Now I can't find a job.  We are losing our house.  Caring for Cletus was expensive and we had to make the choice to pay for Cletus' care, which was as much as a mortgage payment each month, or to make the mortgage payment.  Cletus' care was more important.

I have no doubt that the right choices were made in terms of Cletus' care and I am eternally grateful for the time I had with Cletus.  These last few months spent with Cletus have been a true blessing.  Cletus and I and Magnum have been able to play and run.  We have had our ups and downs but for the most part, Cletus was happy and generally healthy up until the end.

Now I feel empty... alone... sad... lost... and I know Magnum feels the same way.  We try to comfort each other.  I try to stay positive for him but it is actually getting harder and harder to do so.  I am finding myself withdrawing more and more.  I don't want to speak to anyone on the phone anymore.  I don't want to go out of the house anymore.  It is hard to get off of the couch. 

I am going out today but it is to pick up Cletus' MRI and CT Scan from the University and then his ashes from the cremation place.

An appraiser came over this morning from the bank and Magnum just barked and barked and barked at him which he has never done to anyone before.  I know it is because he was scared and confused because Cletus was not here with him to inspect this stranger in our house... what used to be our house.

There are no decorations up for the holidays this year...

I know we will go on... I have to go on for Magnum's sake... but it will never be the same... I will never be the same... my heart is now off rhythm.


Love to all,


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